You Can’t Go Back Home: Cancer Full Moon
“By birth we mean beginning to re-form, a thing’s becoming other than it was” - Ovid
You can’t go back home. You’ll never be that tender, untroubled thing again.
And your shell is nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve built walls to keep the pain out, to keep the shame in, and nothing could be more instinctive… but, that’s why home will never feel the way you remember it.
I’m sorry. There is an ocean of grief to feel. Feel it. Feel it all, and then drop an anchor right here now to hold secure and steady ALL those squishy, sensitive, yearning, needy, demanding parts of you, tucked away inside ALL those strong, callous, independent, fierce, unyielding parts of you.
You are half a creature from the sea. You are ever re-membering, re-forming, re-homing.
Let yourself be both/and/but.
Let yourself be ambivalent.
Let yourself Be.
How are you re-forming?
Becoming other than you were?
Since you can never go home again… what home are you making inside for all of you(s)?
Consider:
When you were a child, what were you shown attention, affection, and affirmation for? When you did __________, you were you celebrated. (This part of you still doing that thing for applause is the diurnal child, the sun child, the one who is shoved to the front of the stage to live loud as You in the fullest light of day.)
Notice the posture, expression, gait, dress and overall manner of this part of you. Notice where it lives in your body. What bodily sensations are attached to this part?
When you were a child, what were you judged, scolded, punished, and shamed for? When you did __________, you were you cast out. (This part of you still avoiding doing that thing is the nocturnal child, the dark moon child, the one who is shoved far back into the shadows, not-You, not-You, not-You.)
Notice the posture, expression, gait, dress and overall manner of this part of you. Notice where it lives in your body. What bodily sensations are attached to this part?
How do you feel toward each of these parts? (Not what you think. How you feel.)
Feel it.
Feel it and think nothing.
Feel it and do nothing.
Keep feeling it until the feeling shifts or absorbs or dissolves on its own.
